Here We Go Again

The cancer is back.

 

On Friday evening as I was unloading the dishwasher my surgeon called to tell me that the results of the surgical biopsy were positive. I sat down on the kitchen floor with the phone to my ear and a bunch of cutlery in my fist – my daughter napping in her bed upstairs, my husband at work, a rush in my ears like a wave of water drowning out everything…

 

Hold on. Listen to him.  Then speak.  Instructions from a part of my brain that I obeyed as best I could.

 

I asked, “How is it possible that it managed to grow when I have had so much chemo and radiation and I’m still receiving Herceptin treatments every three weeks?”

 

He said the words “Well, this is bad.” Then said that we needed to come in to talk about it. The rest is a blur.

 

We don’t know what it means yet.  Tomorrow we will meet with him and my other oncologist, and hopefully our questions will be answered.  Questions like what is the possible extent of the spread, what will my treatment be, how is this possible, and of course the all-encompassing query: WTF??  

 

We’re in shock, angry, devastated, terrified… All I can think is, NOT AGAIN. And then, How dare you, cancer?  Really, how dare you?

 

Here we go again, just when I thought I could see the finish line.

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8 Comments

Filed under Living with Breast Cancer

8 responses to “Here We Go Again

  1. Katie

    OMG. I don’t know what to say, but wanted to reach out and give you an enormous virtual hug. Keep on fighting. I know you can come out on top of this.
    Katie

  2. Kathleen Tabinga

    I will keep you in my prayers. God bless.

    Kathleen

  3. angela

    The finish line moved back a little bit, you can still see it and you WILL cross it. I know this is so discouraging but you are full of courage and you can do this. We are all standing with you,

    Angela

  4. Carol

    Damn, damn, damn. This is so unfair, so wrong. I am so angry. I know you will continue the fight and I will continue to pray to God to give you the strength to fight and defeat this menance.

  5. Jane Hall

    I am so, so sorry. I just can’t understand how! Like you said, with all the treatment and still receiving Herceptin… DAMN IT, THIS ISN’T FAIR!!! We have daughters that need looking after and also “the wise female guidance part” to still be instilled in them.

    The tears won’t stop coming as I write this… I’m so shocked, I was so sure it was “just a lump”, a wonky body part, just nothing. I am sending a big, big, absolutely HUGE, enveloping hug to you right now. I agree with Angela, you took two steps back instead of one… but the finish line is still right there in front of you. I’m sure that you are tired of hearing how strong and courageous you are and still must be but you know what? We’re women… we’re born that way. We do what we have to do and heaven help any shit that gets in our way!!!

  6. geminigirl

    Oh, Leanne. I don’t think there are any words which will help you come to terms with this news. All I know is I cried for you last night and I am angry for you.

    You will find the strength for this next part of the journey within yourself and, when it’s hard to find, within those who support/love you.

    Gemini

  7. Helen Torchia

    Leanne, I am a good friend of Gerry’s he asked me to pray for you. I want you to know that nothing can stop you from getting to the finish line. You may have a few bumps in the road that may have to set you back and yes it just isn’t fair. I can only tell you to keep up your trust in your doctors and keep the faith. There is hope with Cancer today and with loads of prayer that I am sure you will be receiving you will get to see that light at the end of the line.. You are in our prayers daily..

    Helen

  8. Mary Lou

    My prayers, strength, and thoughts are with you.

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