Hunting Dragons Again

Yesterday was one of those great days: In the afternoon I met my niece, who is perfect and amazing – just a miracle of life wrapped up like the world’s most beautiful burrito in my arms – and in the evening I ate lobster with a friend who always makes me laugh and inspires me, having herself recently kicked cancer’s a**.  Needless to say I slept soundly.  Smugly, even.

Alas, this morning I came screeching back into cold hard reality at full-speed – right back into the routine that somehow never becomes routine:

  • 9 a.m. needle to the port in my chest – check
  • Extraction of 6 colour-coded vials of blood – check
  • ECG – check
  • IV fluids & drugs for about 2 hours – check
  • Review bloodwork results with my nurse: all counts low, especially platelets. Am instructed to rest as much as possible, and to avoid getting any deep cuts or gashes. Cancel my sword-fighting plans this weekend – uh, check

This evening I’m scheduled for my first CT scan since beginning the clinical trial. They’ll scan everything from head to pelvis, looking for any sign of further metastasis (please, no more) and of course, measuring the growth of the ol’ neck lumps (please, no more than 20%). 

I’ve already choked back half the gigantic bucket of nasty chalk-juice, which, by the way, some jerk had the audacity to brand “E-Z CAT” – probably a relative of the jerk who came up with branding Fox News “fair and balanced.”  Now I shall proceed to eat everything in sight before fasting begins.  Then I’ll nap, if I can possibly quiet my mind, and later my husband will take me back to the hospital for the freaky sci-fi space capsule scan.

And then? 

Well, then we just wait. Probably until Monday. We wait and try to enjoy our weekend as much as possible, hopefully avoiding “deep cuts and gashes” or any manner of flesh-wound, and also trying not to think too much about the results.  This of course is like trying not to breathe too much.  

I really want to stay positive and only think of good things (my family, my new niece, lobster dinners) but the truth is I’m terrified.  Still, if there is something to know, I’d rather know it.  Can’t fight it if you don’t know it’s there, right?  And maybe there just won’t be any surprises.  Maybe the test drug is working, in spite of seemingly enlarged neck lumps, which yes I have stopped touching all the time.  Mostly. 

Anyway, on with the dragon hunt.  Again.

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6 Comments

Filed under Living with Breast Cancer

6 responses to “Hunting Dragons Again

  1. Linda

    I just want to wish you the best and my thoughts and prayers will be with you this weekend. You’re a brave lady and an inspiration to someone like myself who moans about botched pedicure.

  2. Eva

    Leanne you just do it terrified or not!I am doing my recovery from the surgery a patience-trying job.
    I wish I could eat lobster!I can’t no appetite no sleeping no voice! But I want to win!Love from Eva

  3. angela

    Leanne, waiting is the worst thing isn’t it? Not only do you have to wait for results but you have to postpone your swordfighting…All this treatment will pay off and you will have great results! Hugs from angela

  4. geminigirl

    Hey Leanne, I’ve been away for the last couple of weeks and haven’t been on line. Your blog was my first stop when I got back on the net.

    Kick those dragons in the butt! I can imagine how very terrified you are, which tells me how extremely brave and courageous you also are. You’re so right when you say you have to know what you’re fighting.

    Don’t worry about that staying positive stuff. Cry, be pissed off, be scared, be angry, be whatever you feel like being.

    I completely agree with your post on cancer being our bodies reacting to stress and undealt with anger. Everyone would have cancer if this were the case! I think it’s just one more example of blaming the victim.

    I miss lobster. I’m allergic to shellfish now, but I am so glad you got to enjoy it with your friend.

    Congratulations on your little niece. She and your daughter must give you peace and courage.

    By the way, I’m pretty certain dragons don’t enjoy lobster, so eat some more. Have some scallops for me too. I don’t think dragons like them either!

    Gemini xox

  5. Anita

    I’ll be thinking about you the next few days. And as for feeling terrified, just remember that courage isn’t about not being scared. It’s about being scared, and fighting the dragons anyway.

    xo Anita

  6. Sleepless in San Francisco

    In case you didn’t know, you are the hero I have searched for all my life. You’re the one who will win in the end – that much I know.

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