At first when I began reading the comments to my last post (and getting e-mails and messages) I felt the comfort of it as something faintly glowing in the darkness, like an electric heater in an abyss. Then the compassion and kindness actually started to envelop me. Now I’m kind of engulfed – but in warmth, not flames.
I’m frankly awed by so much raw emotion and all that big-heartedness coming at me from who knows how many different directions; everything converging in a place so full of empathy and love it’s humbling to find myself at the centre of it. Humbling and overwhelmingly comforting. It’s a strange sensation, watching a phenomenon of humanity at its best and then realizing you’re a part of it. I feel completely blessed, as blessed as someone with no religion and too much cancer could ever possibly feel. You all helped me to open at least one tightly shut eye and consider unfolding myself from the fetal position while I was free-falling into darkness, and for that I am hugely, immensely grateful.
Becasue it was quite a fall. I fell so swiftly into that darkness that I think I hit the bottom not with a splat so much as a bounce. Which would explain why I have the sensation that I’m already coming back up from the depths of despair. Not with anything near the same velocity as that with which I fell mind you, but the velocity is not the point, it’s the direction that counts: up.
Along with reading your comments and e-mails and texts, I did some other things to help propel myself upwards: went to a salon and got my blonde hair back, escaped the city with my little family, ate chicken pot pie, drank champagne, and began formulating a plan of action… It seems to be working. I’m not falling anymore, I’m climbing back up. Slowly, stumbling, and in tatters perhaps, but up nonetheless.
And importantly, up or down, it’s been made absolutely clear to me that I’m not going anywhere all alone. So, if you’re coming with me, buckle up – this part could get a little bumpy.