A Not So Good Day

The good news is that my blood counts were fine and I was able to get Vinorelbine yesterday!

The bad news is that I came home and barfed!

My nurses think it was more likely due to adjusting to Big Daddy + empty stomach + coughing/gagging than the chemo.  Nonetheless, totally gross and uncalled-for.  I slept for about an hour before heading back to the hospital for the brain MRI.  Not easy in my state (but still, what a wonder that lying still in a space capsule while being assaulted by the sound of various pavement-smashing construction tools for approximately 40 minutes delivers a picture of my brain!)  Then home again and weak and exhausted.  And so depressed. That’s the thing, it all just wears you out.

Altogether not a good day.  A completely crap day, in fact.  But I had a better sleep last night and am staying on top of the pain today.  I’m still weak – but I have high hopes for the vinorelbine to begin working its magic again like it did last week.  Also, helping out on the emotional front, my dad is back in town and my cousin from the U.K. showed up for a quick visit, which has boosted my spirits as it always does when we see each other (which is far too rarely.) Although I have to admit, we’d both prefer the traditional pub visit to this bedside visit nonsense. 

Meanwhile my husband and mother (aka: The Executive Committee) have decided that my only job is to eat as much as I possibly can – and super-clean anti-cancer diet be damned.  All that rice and miso soup and seaweed might be good for me, but the pounds were dropping and bones are beginning to stick out where they ought not.  It was a supermodel diet and I wasn’t a particularly fleshy woman to begin with, so the effect was not that desirable.  Besides, seaweed?  Please, it’s enough to make anyone nauseated.  So, the new rule is if I want pizza, I get pizza.  (I don’t want pizza, but I do want pasta… mmm, yes, the fusilli from the Italian place down the street!) My cravings are varied and my appetite sporadic, but I’m eating.

And now, we wait for the results of the MRI.  How do you stay hopeful and optimistic while at the same time steel yourself for the worst?  Can it be done?  The CT scan was clear.  That must count for something.



Filed under Living with Breast Cancer

20 responses to “A Not So Good Day

  1. Gwen

    Poor you – what a yucky day! No wonder you feel worn out and exhausted, mentally and physically. But surely tomorrow will be better, especially if you can get another good night’s sleep to set you up for all the eating exercises to come. IMO, at this stage you should eat precisely what you want, to keep your weight up and to regain some strength. Do try to maintain a good protein intake, though, by whatever means you can, and drink lots to protect your kidney function while you are having chemo. You know all this already, though, right? Waiting for the MRI results must be agonizing. Your support network is right there with you, though. May it help, at least a little bit, to know that. And may the “vino” work its magic again, and the sooner the better! Sleep tight and long tonight!

  2. Carol W.

    How do you stay hopeful and optimistic while at the same time steel yourself for the worst? That’s a tough, tough question. All I can say is that you don’t know until you know. Until then, continue hoping for the best – your body and soul will resonate with and benefit from the positive energy. Eat, hydrate and sleep.

    love, cw

  3. Lisa B.

    Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma.
    Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma.
    Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma.
    Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma. Karma.
    All of it good – sending your way.

  4. diane

    We’re still here, waiting and hoping and sending every good thing your way.

    Love you,

  5. Eva

    This was a terrible day, we know that, and all of us are trying to send love and strength to you! And eat your pasta, or whatever you wish to eat!And try to sleep to gain strength for tomorrow!I hope that the MRI show what all of us waiting for: good result!You are in my thoughts all day long! Keep on Leanne! Love Eva

  6. Doona

    Hi Leanne,

    Tomorrow is going to be a different kind of day. Get some rest and enjoy that pizza.

    I am sorry that your day was rough and you are darn right, of course, the CT scan means something.

    Wishing you well and thinking of you.
    Sending angels your way.

  7. Sue

    As if you have not been through enough today…and then you have to be sick. Not nice. BUT…in a short little while, you are going to start to feel better! You are strong and you have such a loving community, larger than you know, behind you!!!

    Detroit is getting closer and closer!! I know I say this every time but I firmly believe it…YOU CAN DO THIS! Of course you can!

    Have a relaxing and comforting (ie…pasta, pasta, pasta!) week-end!! Surrounding you with love and warm wishes from afar…tomorrow is going to be a bright new day for you! Loads of love to you Leanne!

  8. Sarah Milke

    Hello Dear Leanne,
    I’m sorry you had a bad day. I can remember on occasion when one of my little boys (they’re big boys now) was in pain, I wished as hard as I could that I could somehow take the pain and share it. That’s how I feel about you. I wish I could do it for you, please know that.
    I want you to eat and then eat some more. Do it slowly though or it might bounce back. I recall being seasick on a very large ship in the middle of the North Atlantic. I couldn’t eat sitting up but laying down I was a machine! I had a touch of wine on the side. The weather improved
    every day and we arrived in Montreal smiling and well. xo Sarah M.

  9. Duckie

    Great seeing you again, as a teenage hero of mine once said “I’ll be back!”

  10. franny

    I know how you feel. After a while the miso, rice and seaweed are atrocious. I’d eat a bit and then devour icecream with hot fudge and whipped cream! I was on some wicked steroids that gave me those cravings. Enjoy your pasta Leanne and whatever else you crave.

  11. Tess

    Hi Leanne,
    We’re thinking of you tonight and wishing you a restful sleep and a better day tomorrow!! We are willing you to get better. All the our best wishes are coming your way. You are always in our thoughts. Here’s to many good days ahead!!

    Tess & Derek

  12. Brenda Kohut (Hampson)

    Hi Leanne, I just read Shawn’s facebook post today so this is news to me. I’m just so sad. I’m sad that knowing how beautiful of a person you are and how much you don’t deserve this pain. My heart breaks today and am finding it difficult to find consolation. You will be in my prayers.

  13. Andrea

    Sending strong, positive, uplifting vibes your way. You can do this Leanne, we are all supporting you from all over Canada and beyond!

  14. david jones

    I see Lisa B’s good karma and raise it to the power of 10. Now kick this thing’s ass!

  15. Celia McBride

    Just putting my arms around you and holding you with so much love and compassion, darling Leanne.

  16. Tami

    Hard to hope for the best and plan for the worse all at the same time, so you just concentrate on hoping for the best! I know, I know easier said than done, but someone else can take this turn to worry about the worse…while you get your strength back up and enjoy the freedom to break lose and eat whatever you feel like! Feet, fingers and toes crossed for good MRI results.

  17. Maureen

    Dear Leanne,

    We are keeping tabs on you through your website and personal reports from Shana. All our prayers and hopes are with you on your daunting journey.

    Please count me in in anything that I can do to help with your fund raising event, and i mean anything.

    Keep dipping your ladle in the well of Courage and drink deeply.

    We love you madly.

    Maureen, Russell and Lisa

  18. Katie Osler

    Leanne, chemo, puking AND being shot in the MRI cannon? Ugh, that IS a bad day. Best anti-nausea I dealt with was Stemotil. The instructions say when you start to feel nauseous – but apparently those people know nothing about chemo/cancer nausea. 1 pill every 4 hours worked like a charm. Even better than the Ondancetron or Kytril. So, I recommend Stemotil and my second most favourite treat, Baskin’s chocolate milk shake, to keep that weight loss at bay. Thinking fattening, anti-emetic thoughts, and as always, pulling for you. Hope today is better.

  19. Barb T.

    I sure do like the sound of Dr. Detroit! Everything is crossed that can possibly be crossed. And wishing for those good days to come back quickly…xo

    • Leanne

      Sleeping! Eating! It’s glorious!!
      When we were out today there were big mirrors in the mall and i caught sight of my husband and I and gasped: Oh my god! We’re the scary-skinny couple! (He’s 6’3″ and — say it like you’re in a Monty Python skit — “waffer thin”) I always thought it would be gratifying to be model-skinny, wear-whatever-you-want-skinny — but in my imagination I was permitted to keep my bum when I lost all other traces of body fat. And there’s nothing that glamorous about wheezing.
      Anyway, must have a (fattening) snack and then get some sleep. Just wanted to thank everyone for posting comments after my Not So Good Day. I manage to hoist my laptop up onto the bed beside me to check in, and when I see your comments I feel fortified, and not alone, and surrounded by a lot of good people. And also a strangely powerful craving for a chocolate milkshake!
      Thanks everyone!!!

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