Nothing Gold Can Stay

I should have known better than to title a blog post “Champagne and Sunshine.”  Clearly that was just asking for a smack-down, and oh, did I get one!

Before chemo yesterday I had gone to see the Palliative Care people at my hospital.  Do not panic – I am not throwing in any proverbial towels – I just went to see them to help me get my pain under control, since that’s kind of their area of specialty.  In fact, the first thing they tell you when you go in to see them is that they are not “end of life care,” but are rather specialists in symptom management and in particular, experts in pain management.  Sounds good to me (but I still think they’d better change their name or invest in a big PR campaign because no matter what you do, the words “Palliative Care” are still going to give 90% of the population the willies.)

Anyway, the point is that I came out of that meeting with a whole new drug program designed to manage my pain, one that would hopefully keep me functioning and pain-free after a few days of adjustment.  I was very excited – the idea of feeling mostly normal again was thrilling!

What happened instead was that last night was one of the longest and most painful of my life. My body didn’t respond well to the drugs, which never got the pain under control, and I ended up throwing up and writhing around in my bed for 12 hours.  

Good times. It was like the cancer saying, Take that, miss champagne-and-sunshine.  

Cancer is such a jerk.

Anyway, today is a new day.  Or I should say, this evening is a new evening, since I slept most of the day away. The PC people have rewritten my drug program and I will try something new tomorrow – not tonight – because I have decided that if I’m going to embark on another 12-hour narcotic adventure, I’m doing it in the daytime.  For now it’s just me and Big Daddy, plodding along as before.  Not the ideal marriage, but we’re comfortable with each other and know what to expect.  It may not be champagne and sunshine, but it sure beats all that barfing.



Filed under Living with Breast Cancer

19 responses to “Nothing Gold Can Stay

  1. Erin

    Oh Leanne…You make me cry + laugh everyday. I’m selfishly motivated by your super-woman strength.

  2. Gwen

    What a miserable experience! And what a long, painful night you endured! I am keeping my fingers crossed that the most recent meds you have been prescribed will do what they are supposed to. I hope you get into the clinical study very soon (next week?) and that the treatments will control the pain swiftly as well as kicking cancer’s butt hard.

  3. Veronica Van Rooyen

    Oh, sweetie, I hope you feel better soon. Barfing sucks. Writhing sucks. I’ll send you some good energy. I just read about your great MRI news. Here’s a belated CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I’m glad you had your champagne and sunshine before this stupid dip. Here’s to feeling better, Bella!!

  4. Jen T

    Still gold, baby, just a bit tarnished! I’m sorry you were in such pain…hope they can find a perfect program for you. Hang with Big Daddy tonight and get a good night’s sleep. Remember if you’re up to it – “Paris to the Moon” – think you’ll find it amusing.

  5. Sarah Milke

    Hello Dear Leanne,
    We’re all going to keep panning for gold! It’s there, underneath all that damned rubble (aka pain) Today I’m going to concentrate mightily on shifting some of the rubble over to me. Me and Big Daddy. I will be thinking about you no matter what else I’m doing.
    Love and Shalom, Sarah

  6. Lisa B.

    You quote Robert Frost, I quote The Outsiders: “Stay Gold, Leanne”

  7. diane

    My dear friend,
    Hang on!
    Love Diane

  8. Georg W.

    “Champagne and Sunshine.”

    You have always been this and more. I too am saddened by the pain you have gone through, hoping they get the meds right. Hell I still have some 24mg of Hydromorph Contin, aka Big Daddies, to sneak your way if needed. Crap did I say that out loud? No I don’t have anymore. Nope none what so ever.

    Your right about a name change! Palliative care should be changed to PAIN MANAGEMENT.

    We miss you and family in Ontario, sending all our love.

    Love from

    Georg and Jenn

  9. Tess

    Hey Leanne.

    Thinking of you tonight and hoping your day was better than yesterday and the new meds are doing what they are supposed to do. I hope that you sleep well and have happy dreams.


  10. Mary Lou

    Sending all my good thoughts and strength to you today. Rest easy and enjoy your family. Hoping the new meds are better. I agree, Palliative Care should be renamed!

  11. Doona


    Hope your day has been good. Remember the world is always turning toward the morning.

  12. Jill Wilson

    Dear Leanne,
    I have been praying for you and find your blog both entertaining and inspiring. I am a friend of Cory King and i live in the Detroit area. She may have mentioned me to you. I’m also a nurse, or at least i use to be! Now i’m a lowly drug rep and Karmanos is one of my accounts. I would like to offer our home for you and your husband to stay in if u are not happy with where u are in the hood. Yep, it’s tough downtown. i can pick u up at the train station and get u to your appointments. Our upstairs has 2 bdrms and a bath so u will have privacy. i have some thoughts on how to help with the cost of your meds. No guarantees, just ideas but u never know. You are truly an inspiration to all and we would love to help any way that we can. I hope you take us up on it. Please email me if you are interested. Karmanos is a fantastic hospital and definitely a leader in cancer research. You found the best place to go!
    Your courage is so inspiring. Warmly, Jill

  13. Lisa B.

    This comment just made me sob out loud. Leanne – look what kindness you have inspired!

  14. Sue

    Woohoo for the kindness and compassion of Jill Wilson!! Leanne, you touch so many people daily. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with all of us! Hoping that the past few days have been so much better for you and that your bags are all packed for Detroit! You’re almost there!!!

  15. diane

    Jill Wilson,
    You are wonderful!! Thank you for helping Leanne and making everyone who reads her blog feel good about the world.

  16. Gwen

    If anyone needed reminding that most people are good and kind, Jill’s post would do it. Thank you, Jill.

    • Leanne

      Wow, I’ll say — and standing out as a person of goodness and kindness in this blog community is certainly no easy feat! Jill you’ve left me speechless… well, as close as I ever get anyway. What an incredibly generous and thoughtful thing to offer! I will definitely contact you via e-mail once we know some concrete details about Detroit, like WHEN I am going!!
      Some new developments with the clinical trial to report too… just have to find the energy to blog it all!
      Thanks everyone and a big thank-you to Cory and the amazing Jill!

  17. Eva

    I am not crying easily, but now(after reading Jill’s e mail) my eyes are not quite dry!I always tell that I believe and trust in the goodness and kindness of the human beings…..
    Thank you Jill! Leanne, people try to help you, and that gives you strenght, I am sure!!!!Eva

  18. Karen Dubin

    Hi Leanne: I’ve been reading through your blog and you are such an incredibly amazing writer and inspiring spirit. I am really excited about the new opportunities opening up through the clinical trials. There is so much hope on the horizon. I’ve been in touch with Eden so we can help support you through this. My family and I want you to know that you are in our thoughts and prayers! Karen

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